Много ми е тъжно.. Сълзите напират силно, но за сега се държа. Искам да се разплача, за да си го изкарам и да се свърши, но знам, че този път този метод няма да подейства.. този път е много по-тъжно, много по-емоционално от когато и да било друг път, или поне така си въобразявам тази сутрин.
Прекарах, може би, един от най-невероятните уикенди в живота си. Трудно един ден би оставил такъв голям отпечатък в съзнанието ми, но тези няколко дни определено се запечатаха в съзнанието ми. Не знам до каква степен искам да си призная колко всъщност ми е било хубаво и колко всъщност бях щастлива, страх ме е да го направя. Страх ме е защото ще проявя признак на слабост и то не каква да е слабост, а от онази която наистина мразя. Емоционалността ми винаги съм я свеждала до минимум, винаги съм била, но съм гледала да го показвам във възможно най-кратък период, а сега не съм сигурна до каква степен ще мога да скрия чувствата си. Най-лошото е, че няма и с кого да споделя, просто няма на кой да кажа какво ме разкъсва. А аз наистина се разкъсвам. Абсолютно не знам какво се случва вътре в мен, но усещам как всичкото е заседнало в гърлото ми и просто чака най-неудобният и най-неподходящият момент да изкочи и да всее смут в живота ми.
Бях щастлива тези няколко дни. Наистина прекарах си страхотно, емоционално, вълнуващо, горещо. И все пак края дойде и по някакъв неописуем начин, както само аз си знам, успях да се разтроя до такава степен, че да го съсипя. А дори не знам защо. Всичко ме надви, всички чувства преляха. И то чувства от съвсем различни характери и категории. Старст, привързаност, жажда, тъга, истински страх, саморазочарование. Всичко се сля и преля, и в един момент аз изгубих връзка и спрях да осъзнавам какво чувствам. В този момент всичко се провали и това се отрази не само на мозъка ми, но и на тялото ми, както винаги. Не знам как винаги когато не успея да се овладея всичко се отразява на здравословното ми състояние. И вместо да сложа край и да спра ударите аз мазохистично продължих в грешната посока. Всъщност дори не знам дали беше грешната посока, поне за мен може би беше, но не знам ако се бях взела в ръце и просто се бях прибрала в къщи и се бях сгушила сама в леглото си дали пък нямаше да съжалявам още повече. Не мога да знам, но определено исках повече от ситуацията, исках да дам всичко от себе си, исках да съм по-силна, исках да бъде перфектно. Не знам как е изглеждало от страни, но в моята глава не беше както трябва и това ме разтрои много. Чувствам се глупаво, чувствам се като пълна глупачка, чувствам се виновна, чувствам се зле, гади ми се дори, не мога да си поема дъх, искам да върна времето, искам да натисна спирачките и да изхвърля ненужните емоции, после да затегна колана и да скоча така както трябваше.
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След неудобния разговор по скайп.. може би ми е малко по-добре, но все пак тъгата е толкова силна, че вече не мога да здържам сълзите.. Ръкавите ми са мокри, а бузите подпухнали. Тази слабост ме съсипва и дори ме натъжава още повече което е ужасно. Искам да запазя само удоволствието, искам да мисля само за него, а не за това, че свърши, не искам да мисля за края. Но края никога не е хубав, щастлив, тъжен, трагичен - все е край, а след него настъпва подтискащата рутина която убива и малкото живец които се опитвам да потдържам през деня..
Днес обаче не е само край, ами и начало или поне ще бъде началото на най-дългоочакваният месец. До сега очаквах много неща от него, но сега вече наистина не знам какво ще се случи и какво няма. Всичко е замъглено и объркано, разместено и неясно, не знам дали това което чаках най-много ще е това което ще ме развълнува най-много. Знам само едно, за напред настроението ми ще пребивава предимно в категория: объркана.
30.11.2009 г.
24.07.2009 г.
'Worry is a story you tell yourself and nothing more..'
Life is just one big Worry with a capital W and most people don’t even notice that they are living in this Worry. Well maybe some of them do. I do. And when I recognize it I scream, I stop and think, I rewind, I remember, I feel lost, I try to understand why Worry is taking over and I tell myself I won’t let it again. And a few hours latter it is back creeping behind the corner with an ominous grin waiting for the right moment to sink into my daily thoughts and inside conversations.
It’s not that we don’t see it or we need to understand that there is no point to it, some people do, I don’t but some do and they still give in. Not worrying is one of the hardest things a human soul could accomplish in a life time. It’s a personal goal each must set to achieve for their time here on planet Earth. I am happy to announce that I have set this goal to be on the top of my list and every single day I struggle to get one step closer to victory. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do but my mind is firmly set on it, especially now in my hardest times.
I turn 20 tomorrow and as crazy it may sounds I am a bit scared to step trough the door of the big 2. Things haven’t been going as I wish them to. I skipped a year from collage and now I’m trying hard to get back on that track, money is tight but when was that different, I’ve gained many new friends which now are probably the best part of my life, the one thing I can’t breath without and I am grateful I’ve found them and it’s really hard when they are not around, love is trying to ignore me as usual and bringing me down occasionally but that is the one thing I am more used to than anything else. 20 is a new step for everyone. As much as I hate to say it I’m not a kid anymore, I haven’t been one in ages and I miss it so much. Of course I try and bring back to life the child in me every single day and it is magical, yes, but life is still out there and it’s much to dangerous for my inner child and I must keep it safe and alive as much as possible. I will miss teen era but I am grateful that the best part of it sticks to your back and follows you around for the next 30 or 40 years: drama. No, drama is not bad, it’s the most exiting thing a teenage boy or girl could ever experience and I am grateful I have had a very good dosage of it so far.
20 is going to be hard and tomorrow I will drink to it and as I blow my one candle I required I will not wish for anything I will make myself a promises. I will promises to hit Worry in the nuts every time I catch it following me and I promises to be more aware of Worry so that I could hit it in the nuts more often because what better way to put a smile on your face than to hit the worst thing in your life in the nuts?
With this said I am prepared to step through 20’s door and take what ever comes my way and duck if it tries to bull’s eyes my head.
'There is only Love. Everything else is our resistance to it.' -Terces Englehart
It’s not that we don’t see it or we need to understand that there is no point to it, some people do, I don’t but some do and they still give in. Not worrying is one of the hardest things a human soul could accomplish in a life time. It’s a personal goal each must set to achieve for their time here on planet Earth. I am happy to announce that I have set this goal to be on the top of my list and every single day I struggle to get one step closer to victory. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do but my mind is firmly set on it, especially now in my hardest times.
I turn 20 tomorrow and as crazy it may sounds I am a bit scared to step trough the door of the big 2. Things haven’t been going as I wish them to. I skipped a year from collage and now I’m trying hard to get back on that track, money is tight but when was that different, I’ve gained many new friends which now are probably the best part of my life, the one thing I can’t breath without and I am grateful I’ve found them and it’s really hard when they are not around, love is trying to ignore me as usual and bringing me down occasionally but that is the one thing I am more used to than anything else. 20 is a new step for everyone. As much as I hate to say it I’m not a kid anymore, I haven’t been one in ages and I miss it so much. Of course I try and bring back to life the child in me every single day and it is magical, yes, but life is still out there and it’s much to dangerous for my inner child and I must keep it safe and alive as much as possible. I will miss teen era but I am grateful that the best part of it sticks to your back and follows you around for the next 30 or 40 years: drama. No, drama is not bad, it’s the most exiting thing a teenage boy or girl could ever experience and I am grateful I have had a very good dosage of it so far.
20 is going to be hard and tomorrow I will drink to it and as I blow my one candle I required I will not wish for anything I will make myself a promises. I will promises to hit Worry in the nuts every time I catch it following me and I promises to be more aware of Worry so that I could hit it in the nuts more often because what better way to put a smile on your face than to hit the worst thing in your life in the nuts?
With this said I am prepared to step through 20’s door and take what ever comes my way and duck if it tries to bull’s eyes my head.
'There is only Love. Everything else is our resistance to it.' -Terces Englehart
11.07.2009 г.
Morning feels like London..
No matter that I am stuck here in Sofia and not off to bask my unnaturally white skin on a beautiful and heated beach doesn’t mean that I am not enjoying summertime. Actually I’ve been doing all sorts of enjoying even when I am supposed to be buried in heavy English Grammar books. Park parties and drinking refreshing drinks, and listening to someone talented playing the guitar until the sun goes down has been all over my schedule these days. Relaxation is the code word for this week’s activities.
What could spoil such well planed vacation in a middle of a vacation, you might ask? Well almost nothing except when every single day you have planed to spend outdoors in the exhilarating moments of the summer it is raining like someone has cut open the skies.
Not that I have something against rain, not at all, actually I am really grateful that the skies are so worried about our crops survival in the blistering heat of the summer, that they care enough to bring us so much rain that can almost flood our fields but not quite.
One of my life long dreams is been to visit London and to feel the life bubbling in the beautiful cloudy city veins. Now every single morning when I open my eyes and it’s so damn dark and cloudy out side that no matter that is 10 a.m. you think it’s still too early I actually start to feel like I am waking up in London.
Actually I am grateful for this anxious feeling because it might as well be the closest feeling I’ll get of London so far, so I thank the skies for bringing me on step closer to my dream.
I wish you a not so rainy and not to summery weekend and may the skies help your dreams come true as well.
What could spoil such well planed vacation in a middle of a vacation, you might ask? Well almost nothing except when every single day you have planed to spend outdoors in the exhilarating moments of the summer it is raining like someone has cut open the skies.
Not that I have something against rain, not at all, actually I am really grateful that the skies are so worried about our crops survival in the blistering heat of the summer, that they care enough to bring us so much rain that can almost flood our fields but not quite.
One of my life long dreams is been to visit London and to feel the life bubbling in the beautiful cloudy city veins. Now every single morning when I open my eyes and it’s so damn dark and cloudy out side that no matter that is 10 a.m. you think it’s still too early I actually start to feel like I am waking up in London.
Actually I am grateful for this anxious feeling because it might as well be the closest feeling I’ll get of London so far, so I thank the skies for bringing me on step closer to my dream.
I wish you a not so rainy and not to summery weekend and may the skies help your dreams come true as well.
21.06.2009 г.
Unusual, absurd, sincere, touching and beautiful
"Art, in whatever form it takes, is the unconscious filter of experience.”
Brandon Boyd said that. It is actually really amazing how a person can reproduce his everyday experience on to a piece of paper, or into a melody, or just retell it. All artists search for their masterpieces in the street, on the buss, in the supermarket, at a night club, in a relationship, in a one night stand, in their cat, or dog, in the weather, at the beach, up on a mountain top, at home, or at a friends house, in the gym, at a concert, under the stars, on rooftops, at a bonfire, est. Even the simplest experience can turn into something big, beautiful, touching, life changing even.
Authors get brilliant ideas for a bestselling novel from a simple dream.
Painters paint emotions, like love, hate, fear.. Emotions that aren’t simple essentially, but If you place them on a canvas they become perfectly clear.
Photographers capture moments which let alone are more than impossible to explain with just words.
Art is in every fiber of the human life, it’s a matter of sense, do you see it.. No, no can you see it and what will you do with it when you see it. And I’m not saying some can explain it, the once that can see it, no I doubt someone can. Can someone explain and describe the sensation of love, I doubt that too. Explaining is not a way, it’s not an answer. People always search for answers and most of the time they never look deeper into the question. You know what they say: The answer is always hidden in the question. I don’t know how true that statement is but I don’t see the point in answers. Most of the time they hurt, answers are the truth and truth is cruel. The fact that it’s hidden is cruel as well but forcing it to come to you, to understand it, to know it is not the natural ways of things and life. When something is ready to be part of your life (truth, people, experience, love, emotions, optimism, addictions, inspiration, moments, est.) it will make it’s way to you. And like I said it’s all in the ways you see it, if you see it. Keep your eyes open and it will come to you.
The hole I was in the past mouth or so is now closed or I got out, or it threw me out, no matter it ended and it’s all coming to me again and I’m seeing, feeling, understanding without forcing it as I did. Time is never what we think or believe, it has it’s own ways, it comes and goes, it takes with it or it leaves behind, it explains and hides, it can never be measured or stopped or sped up, slowed down. It has a life of it’s own and it is the only life every other form depends on.
What is your perfect embodiment of freedom?
Brandon Boyd said that. It is actually really amazing how a person can reproduce his everyday experience on to a piece of paper, or into a melody, or just retell it. All artists search for their masterpieces in the street, on the buss, in the supermarket, at a night club, in a relationship, in a one night stand, in their cat, or dog, in the weather, at the beach, up on a mountain top, at home, or at a friends house, in the gym, at a concert, under the stars, on rooftops, at a bonfire, est. Even the simplest experience can turn into something big, beautiful, touching, life changing even.
Authors get brilliant ideas for a bestselling novel from a simple dream.
Painters paint emotions, like love, hate, fear.. Emotions that aren’t simple essentially, but If you place them on a canvas they become perfectly clear.
Photographers capture moments which let alone are more than impossible to explain with just words.
Art is in every fiber of the human life, it’s a matter of sense, do you see it.. No, no can you see it and what will you do with it when you see it. And I’m not saying some can explain it, the once that can see it, no I doubt someone can. Can someone explain and describe the sensation of love, I doubt that too. Explaining is not a way, it’s not an answer. People always search for answers and most of the time they never look deeper into the question. You know what they say: The answer is always hidden in the question. I don’t know how true that statement is but I don’t see the point in answers. Most of the time they hurt, answers are the truth and truth is cruel. The fact that it’s hidden is cruel as well but forcing it to come to you, to understand it, to know it is not the natural ways of things and life. When something is ready to be part of your life (truth, people, experience, love, emotions, optimism, addictions, inspiration, moments, est.) it will make it’s way to you. And like I said it’s all in the ways you see it, if you see it. Keep your eyes open and it will come to you.
The hole I was in the past mouth or so is now closed or I got out, or it threw me out, no matter it ended and it’s all coming to me again and I’m seeing, feeling, understanding without forcing it as I did. Time is never what we think or believe, it has it’s own ways, it comes and goes, it takes with it or it leaves behind, it explains and hides, it can never be measured or stopped or sped up, slowed down. It has a life of it’s own and it is the only life every other form depends on.
What is your perfect embodiment of freedom?
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