Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

I watched Don Juan DeMarco last night and of course this song made me cry like 5 times and I was even sobbing an hour after the movie ended. It’s sad how evolution destroyed men like Don Juan because I know there were such romantic male figures in our past. I hate myself for being such a loser for romance because as much as I want every one of those things and want all the beautiful words and magical gestures, I know it is nearly impossible to get them as they are in my dreams. I hate myself for dreaming he will surprise me one day and take me out on a romantic dinner and we will both be dressed elegantly, and he will take me to a nice little restaurant, he will buy me red roses, he will ask me to slow dance to a song like that and he will whisper the lyrics in my ear while we are dancing. He will then take me to a special place, where we could look at the stars, he will hold my hands and say something romantic and beautiful, or he will have written something for me, or even a song (I will die if he sings me a song) or whatever.. I know it’s cheesy and silly and stuff but I love these things because those are the things that make a woman feel truly beautiful and wonderful and bring out her inner beauty that takes over her outer beauty and makes her feel more alive, loved, special, wanted.. Makes her feel like a woman should feel! There are just a couple of times when I have felt that and it is magical, it’s a fairy tale, it’s the most happiest I ever been and I am grateful I have felt it because some women don’t get to feel it.. If I had one wish from the golden fish I would wish for more romance in the world, because romance makes people feel good, feel happy, feel loved and when we feel loved we also love. And love my friends, love Is the thing that will save our world. No one can make me believe in something else!   

Обичам те.

Предадох се отново, но болката седи,  
а лентата в главата ми неспирно се върти. 
Казваш "не плачи", но я си представи, 
как би се чувствал ти, 
ако видиш сцените в главата ми.

How am I supposed to feel now, what am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to act?

This day came too soon.. I was hoping the happy feeling from my trip would last longer but as expected the things that I ignored while I was there so they wouldn't ruin my vacation just rose up from the depths of my mind. 


Since last night I've been thinking about time, about how big of a bitch it is and how it is never enough and the next moment it wouldn't go as fast as it should. I've been thinking about how I am to scared to admit and say out loud things that needed to be said, things that scratch my throat and flood my eyes with burning tears. I also think a lot about that one thing he said while I was there. He said he didn't want to come back so often and to stay so long here... Yes, he did say it, to my face like I didn't even exist like he didn't even consider what will those words do to me. And they did a lot. They hurt a lot. I understand him thou, I know he has a better life there and I've always wanted to be part of it (didn't feel for a second while I was there that I am which also hurts me now) but I can't drop everything, my life, my education and go be with someone who has never, not once given me reason to think that this between us is going to last for real. And now he has shattered every bit of hope I had that it might. How am I supposed to feel now, what am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to act? I simply know that the less we will see each other the more this between us will die and it's not like there aren't tones of pretty girls around him there (this thought is like million sharp knifes cutting through my throat, chest and stomach)... It's simply a matter of time and I am such a stupid little wimp, I just can't say a word about this which is practically torturing me every single minute of every single day.


What the fuck am I going to do???