This day came too soon.. I was hoping the happy feeling from my trip would last longer but as expected the things that I ignored while I was there so they wouldn't ruin my vacation just rose up from the depths of my mind.
Since last night I've been thinking about time, about how big of a bitch it is and how it is never enough and the next moment it wouldn't go as fast as it should. I've been thinking about how I am to scared to admit and say out loud things that needed to be said, things that scratch my throat and flood my eyes with burning tears. I also think a lot about that one thing he said while I was there. He said he didn't want to come back so often and to stay so long here... Yes, he did say it, to my face like I didn't even exist like he didn't even consider what will those words do to me. And they did a lot. They hurt a lot. I understand him thou, I know he has a better life there and I've always wanted to be part of it (didn't feel for a second while I was there that I am which also hurts me now) but I can't drop everything, my life, my education and go be with someone who has never, not once given me reason to think that this between us is going to last for real. And now he has shattered every bit of hope I had that it might. How am I supposed to feel now, what am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to act? I simply know that the less we will see each other the more this between us will die and it's not like there aren't tones of pretty girls around him there (this thought is like million sharp knifes cutting through my throat, chest and stomach)... It's simply a matter of time and I am such a stupid little wimp, I just can't say a word about this which is practically torturing me every single minute of every single day.
What the fuck am I going to do???
Since last night I've been thinking about time, about how big of a bitch it is and how it is never enough and the next moment it wouldn't go as fast as it should. I've been thinking about how I am to scared to admit and say out loud things that needed to be said, things that scratch my throat and flood my eyes with burning tears. I also think a lot about that one thing he said while I was there. He said he didn't want to come back so often and to stay so long here... Yes, he did say it, to my face like I didn't even exist like he didn't even consider what will those words do to me. And they did a lot. They hurt a lot. I understand him thou, I know he has a better life there and I've always wanted to be part of it (didn't feel for a second while I was there that I am which also hurts me now) but I can't drop everything, my life, my education and go be with someone who has never, not once given me reason to think that this between us is going to last for real. And now he has shattered every bit of hope I had that it might. How am I supposed to feel now, what am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to act? I simply know that the less we will see each other the more this between us will die and it's not like there aren't tones of pretty girls around him there (this thought is like million sharp knifes cutting through my throat, chest and stomach)... It's simply a matter of time and I am such a stupid little wimp, I just can't say a word about this which is practically torturing me every single minute of every single day.
What the fuck am I going to do???
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