Small white clouds are just flying through the dirty night sky and between them small blinking dots are staring at my teary eyes probably wondering why a girl that should be really happy is crying her heart out every single night. Isn't she lucky, isn't she in love, isn't she getting all the wonderful things she deserves? They probably wonder. I wonder. I ask myself questions and try with all my broken strength to answer them myself because my tiny fragile heart would shatter into millions of pieces if I ever have to ask someone else why am I not loved the way a girl should be loved, why am I not the only girl in his life, why should I bare the pain, why do I have to bury it all deep into this pit in my chest that I have dug for all the crap that keeps being thrown at me, why don't I see the future I wish for. I wouldn't be able to ask anyone else these questions except myself because I know I am the only one that can give me the answers that won't brake my little fairytale world that I've scissored from paper and taped together very poorly with my forever shaky and unsure hands. False answers but safe answers, answers that will just bring me to tears ever night not destroy every wish and dreams I've ever made.
Dreams like walking down to the alter in a magical white dress, feeling like a real princess, seeing the eyes of the man of my dreams, the king of my heart and preparing my heart full of love to be his forever and his to be mine forever and only mine. Doing the miracles and wonders that I do for the one I love and getting once as well because I would be the only thing that he has ever dreamed of and losing me would destroy his world like it would mine if I ever lose him.Living that fairytale that marriage should be. Seeing his eyes and smile every single morning and making him happy every single day. Feeling his exploding emotions when I tell him I am carrying his child, that he is going to be a daddy and him being the best daddy a kid could have. And the best husband a girl could wish for.
Yes I do wish for those simple things. Simple things that come so hard and almost never. That is why I cry every night because I want to know the real answer - am I lucky, am I going to get that, will I be loved like that, will I get all those wonderful things?
And I keep staring at the stars but the stars won't answer those questions and neither can I. I'm only protecting my young hurt heart. I only give myself the time and hope that soon I will get a sign telling me to not give up on those dreams and wishes and never stop fighting for them no matter how disappointing and unchangeable a situation looks and feels.